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We Are Not Hockey Canadian

Posted: Jan 17 2007, 11:55 AM

"I'm fed up of it!"

Trefor wasn't a happy boy.

"Why do we have to do all this stuff about Hockey Canadian history?"

His friend Huw tried to put a different spin on it

"Because we're in a history class in Hockey Canada. That's generally what you learn here."

"Yes, but we're not Hockey Canadian, are we?"

"We are. It's on are passports, our birth certificates... we are Hockey Canadian, Tref."

"No, but we're not. Listen to them, talking about how fantastic they think they are and how the rest of the world underestimates them. The truth is, they're just a bunch of big-headed bastards who aren't nearly as good as they think they are."

"I know that. But if we had a Druida to go back to, I'm sure we would. Aren't you grateful to the people of this country for what they've done for our people?"

"I suppose... at least it's somewhere to live. But our personalities just aren't like theirs. We seem different."

"Well, we are."

"And we have a different history."

"I'm sure we do, but this is where our people live now. And so we have to learn about our surroundings."

"But what about us?"

"Well, what about us?"

"What's our history?"

"Well, what I've gathered from home is that the infrastructure of our country was completely destroyed by some alcoholic maniacs with dodgeballs. All the people were either killed in the ensuing madness or escaped over the borders and given asylum here."

"So why haven't we ever gone back to our homelands?"

"Well, I think everyone settled here."

"Here? But... I can't believe that for one minute. You're saying that the Druidans would rather stay in Hockey Canada than go back to their homelands?"

"That's what I've been taught at home. So we have to learn Hockey Canadian history, because that's who we are now."

"Riiight. Like I believe that. Huw, I think we've got a bit of reseasrch to do..."

Druida

Royal Scribe

Posts: 130

Posted: Jan 19 2007, 07:41 AM

The phone rang. Huw picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Huwie! You're not going to believe this!"

"What?"

"Apparently, we still own Druida!"

"What, me and you?"

"No, just the Druidan people."

"Oh. But isn't it a wreckage and a wasteland with rogue giant dodgeball players?"

"Well, that's what everyone says."

"So we can't just go back. We're stuck here."

"But think about it. Have you heard of Ereeland?"

"Um... they're our new neighbours, are they not?"

"They are. But their nation is within the old boundaries of Druida."

"So?"

"Well, surely if the place was full of renegades with giant dodgeballs, wouldn't they have attacked the Ereeish people?"

"Uh... I suppose..."

"So why don't we go back?"

"Because there isn't a Druidan army, and therefore we don't have anyone to fight back if they are sill there."

"But... if we had support?"

"And how the hell are two fifteen year old boys going to get support?"

"Don't worry. I've got a plan."

"But we don't have an army, either."

"Haven't you heard of the Druidan revolution?"

"No."

"Well, you wouldn't have. It's not part of Hockey Canada's 'glorious' history."

"So what was it?"

"It was where the people got fed up of their alcoholic despot of a president by force."

"But it's not an army."

"But we don't need an army. We just need to get enough togetherness amongst the people to believe that they can go home, and it'll all be OK."

"And two schoolkids are going to do that?"

"Why not?"

"Because we're fifteen, Tref. We're supposed to go to school and hang around on street corners. Not go around moving an entire ethnic minority back to their homeland."

"Look, it's OK. All we gotta do is make some -explicitive removed- up about going on some school trip, then we're free for a few days."

"You really think this'll work?"

"Why not?"

"Like the time when we tried to stop people drinking, just because that's what the Druidans did?"

"Huw, we were thirteen then. And obviously, going into bars and stealing peoples drinks isn't going to go down well with anyone."

"Well... OK. But only because, deep down, this sounds like it could be fun..."

Druida

Royal Scribe

Posts: 130

Posted: Jan 24 2007, 03:36 PM

"You sure this'll work?"

"Of course it will. Now, you got your fake IDs?"

"Drivers licence and Passport."

"Good. We're going to need them."

"What for?"

"Well, we're going to rent scooters to go to Druida on. It'll take days, otherwise."

"That's cool. But what's the passports for?"

"Oh, you know. Just in case."

"Heh. Fair enough."

"There's only one problem we have to overcome."

"And what's that?"

"The Druidan Border Patrol."

"Oh."

"They don't let anyone past at all."

"Really? And what if tey catch you trying?"

"They shoot you."

"Really!?!?!"

"Uhuh."

"I thought that Druidans were peace lovers?"

"They're odd guns. Send out an electric shock that temporarily parlyses you. Gives them enough time to cart you off to wherever it is they cart you off to."

"So we're not going to die?"

"Oh, no. But it's not exactly a thrilling activity."

"-explicitive removed-."

"So shall we rent a couple of scooters, then?"

"Let's go for it."

Druida

Royal Scribe

Posts: 130

Posted: Jan 30 2007, 01:47 PM

Trefor and Huw are hiding behind a rock on their scooters, just yards from the border of Hockey Canada and the former Druidish Lands. Not that there'd be anywhere else for them to hide across the flat green landscape.

"Here it is then. The Border."

"Jeez, that is some patrol! How the hell do we get through there?"

"Simple. We just need to tempt them away with alcohol. No Druidan would be able to resist."

"And where do we get alcohol from?"

"Here." Trefor pulled out a bottle of vodka from his bag.

"How'd you get that?"

"Fake ID."

"Of course."

"So, all we have to do is throw it towards them, they'll pick it up, we'll use that as a distraction."

"Cool."

"Here goes then."

Trefor threw the bottle towards three of the guards. They walk forward to see what it is.

"Right, go!"

Trefor and Huw fly out from behind the rock on their scooters. A few too many revs there, however, and the border guards are distracted.

"You sure you've thought this through? We're a bit loud!"

"Look, we're on motorised scooters, they're on foot. How are they supposed to keep up with us?"

"On that," Huw told his friend as he turned and pointed at an oncoming 4x4.

"****!"

"And they've got guns, remember."

"Well, just weave, then!"

"What?"

"Weave about. If you don't stay in the same position... you're harder to get..."

"OK."

The pair of them weaved about as the guards fired at them.

"They're not going away. Hell, there's more of them!"

"We're going to have to hide somewhere, then."

"Where, exactly? It's just green on one side, green on the other."

"We're in the ****, aren't we."

"Nice of you to figure that out."

"Wait... there's an old house in the distance. If we can make it that far, this should be easy."

"And if we can't?"

"Let's not think about that. Put your foot down, keep weaving about, let's go!"

The boys put their foot down on the pedal, but a 4x4 is a hell of a lot quicker than the scooters. And an increasing number of them is pretty threatening. Swerving 180 degrees around, they send the army of cars the wrong way, giving them a temporary chance to regroup, then, as they turn around again, they storm back past the patrol. More of this dodging somehow manages to get the boys the few hundred yards they need to get themselves to the old house.

"And what good is it going to do us hiding in here?"

"The good that we're not being shot at?"

"But the bad that they know where we are!"

The boys hid, but meanwhile, the 4x4 was catching up again. Inside voices can be heard.

"26227, you see where they went?"

"They're round the back of that old house, 7393."

"Then let's go."

The car eats up the muddy terrain just like a fat person gobbles though chocolate. They turned around the back of the house, but the children weren't there.

"Go inside, 26227. Ask them if they've seen anything."

"OK."

26227 knocks on the door. A fairly young blonde woman answers.

"Ah, hello there, madam. We're from the Druidan Border control, we just wondered if you'd seen any young males on motorised scooters in the area."

"I can't say I have."

"Oh, sorry to have wasted your time... er... who did you say you were?"

"65848."

"Ah. Thank you 65848." He turns around. "7393, they've gone!"

Druida

Royal Scribe

Posts: 130

Posted: Feb 9 2007, 07:38 AM

"Where have you two been?"

Huw and Trefor's parents looked far from happy.

"On a school trip. Like we said."

Trefor's bluffing seemed to be working so far.

"So why do you smell like a latrine?"

"Well... it was a trip to... to a... a museum. The toilet museum."

Damn.

"And why is it that when we rang the school, they said that there were no trips on this week?"

"Um... er..."

The parents tried Huw. he was always easier to get the truth from.

"You're not telling us the truth here, are you?"

"Well... no mam."

"Come on then. Where've you been?"

"Over the border."

"Into the Druidish Lands?"

"Yes."

"And you've come back alive?"

"Of course."

"And the border guards didn't get you?"

"We went through the sewer system. It was the only way."

"And you didn't get flattened by dodgeball-wielding maniacs?"

"Well, no."

"Oh."

"Tell you the truth, there weren't any."

"What? Of course there are. Why do you think nobody lives there?"

"They do though. There's people and everything."

"What? What kind of people?"

"Just people. Like human people."

Trefor involved himself again.

"Except they didn't have names."

"Oh?"

"No. they had numbers instead."

"Numbers?"

"Yes. And they made wierd noises as the walked."

"But otherwise... it's safe."

"Of course. They've even entered a team into the World Cup."

"Really?"

"Yes. As Druida."

"But they're not Druidans. We are, normal people with normal names. Druidans are individuals, not numbers."

"So you're saying that they're not our people?"

"Of course they're not. But if it's safe to go back, it's safe to go back. It's our land under the old Druidan Decree."

"What's that, then?"

"Well, put simply, it says that the Druidish Lands should return to Druidan rule as soon as it is considered safe to do so."

"Really?"

"Yes. Apart from bits that other incumbants have taken. For example, we can't have the North East, because that's where Ereeland have set up their nation."

"Oh."

"I guess we'd better start spreading the news, then. Bethan, start ringing everyone you know. We're going home!"

Druida

Royal Scribe

Posts: 130

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