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Live broadcast from the Excessively Luxurious Conference Room in the Royal Palace, New Brux, Spruitland, going out to all nations in the Atlantian Oceania region, ruthlessly interrupting all live coverage of AOCAF matches in the 87nd minute.
King Alfons I (the one with the miter, sitting at the head of the table), flanked by the most prominent members of his government (the nervous looking fellows), grins brightly at the camera.
“Greetings, citizens of Atlantian Oceania! On behalf of myself, my government, and the people of Spruitland, I’d like to welcome you all to my region! We – aww! What the –“
Static. Brutal switch to slow motion images of scarcely dressed young women jumping on a trampoline, the words “one moment, please” at the bottom.
Theme music from “Jaws” starts.
And finishes.
And starts again.
Switch back to the conference room – King Alfons I is no longer grinning.
“Greetings. On behalf of all of you, I’d like to welcome myself to this region. The weather better be good here. If you wanna establish official embassy thingies and trade stuff and what not, take it up with these fellows here. They wanna make some official statements, but since I’m sure you’re all eager to get back to your regular programming, we’ll save the speeches for another time and end this broadcast with a few more minutes of trampoline jumping beauties. Enjoy!”
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"...Kovac, out wide, skins the Britannican left-back, knocks it back down the line for Fuinbar, crossed into the box - first time, off Mitrofanis! Matranga in acres of space! Must Score-"
"Greetings, citizens of Atlantian Oceania!"
"What the hell?" as ruler of the Protectorate of Starblaydia, Lord-Protector Tiberius Starblayde didn't always get to sit down and watch his matches live, this was the first time for a while he'd been able spare 90 minutes to watch the AOCAF live, "who the -explicitive removed- is that?"
He tapped in a number on his remote control from memory, switching the channel to another that was showing the Starblaydia-Nova Britannicus match live. All he saw was a large pair of barely-covered breasts bouncing up and down in slow motion.
"Baywatch?" he said, confused, switching back to the original channel.
“Greetings." the man with the silly hat said again, "On behalf of all of you, I’d like to welcome myself to this region."
"Where's my goddamn football match?" Lord Starblayde yelled at the TV. "You little bastard, you'll pay for this!" |
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As Latao NEC-Leader Omsec sat on his couch with a beer watching some TV after a hard work day, discussing with Starblaydi ignorants about AORDO, he suddenly starts to snarl[/I] God damn, why are these boobs covered ?! We don't like censorship here! - and who's that moron anyway interrupting my -explicitive removed-in show ?" |
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OOC: Don't mind the 'negative' responses, we're having a bit of fun.
IC: Watching the Hawks play against Crystilakere, President Stone's evening was interupted when some unknown person said "Greetings, Citizens of Atlantian Oceania!"
"What the -explicitive removed- is this!!!!!," he roared. "Where's my AOCAF match, damnit!!!!"
President Stone called the station, only to find out that some idiot had cut into their programming.
Already knowing this, Stone then slammed the phone down and tried another channel, which happened to be showing Baywatch. Not caring about the show, he tuned back to the original channel, where the upstart had his 'message' running again.
'Someone is going to pay for this...' Stone vowed. |
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Lamoni |
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Democratic Maniac |
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Posts: 1952 |
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"Haven't you heard?" asked John Doe, a 45 year old Nedalian, relaxing on some street in some town under Nedalia's afternoon sun.
"No, I haven't heard, funnily enough. Why don't you make me hear?" replied Alfred Smith, a 43 year old Nedalian relaxing on some street in some town under Nedalia's afternoon sun.
"Some country named Spruitland..Fruitland...Fruity Kingdom formed."
"You're an idiot. So much so, the sun is upset. Its getting dark."
"Yeah it is. Think the boys will be having a go at the park in a bit."
"Alright, lets put on the old football boots then."
"Lets." |
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Nedalia |
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Emperor in Training |
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Posts: 486 |
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Official apology from the Spruitland government, triple-sent to every email inbox and snail mailed (postage paid by recipient) to every known address in Atlantian Oceania, causing a major strain on Internet Providers and Postal Services all across the region.
Greetings, neighbours of Atlantian Oceania!
We, the government of Spruitland, in name of His Majesty, King Alfons I, and all his loyal citizens, wish to profusely apologize for the unfortunate timing of our introductionary broadcast. Rest assured, we will use less intrusive methods of communication from now on.
As an act of good faith, one ApologyAccepted-coupon has been enclosed in the snail mail version of this communiqué. This coupon can be redeemed for a 50% discount on the purchase of 1 kilogram of Brussels Sprouts in every department store or at every vegetable stand in Spruitland. We encourage everyone to make full use of this generous offer whenever you’re in our neck of the woods.
Sincerely,
Jeremy Dekkers
Prime Minister
Spruitland
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Roger Omsec wasn't happy or well-minded this morning, as he drove is car into another guy's butt last night at a cross-way. The curzed the whole night and couldn't sleep well.
And now what's here...the mail man wants money from me for a latter from abroad...a country I've never heard...
He-he, it's obvously from that punk we've seen last night on all channels, Nadia! They wish to appologize for that freaky action whoch costed my network over a million commecial-ads-money plus the letter.
But at least we can get 50 % off of some salad. You eat that green stuff, right Nadia ? So u can go there and cash the coupon, I stay with my steak.
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Greetings, neighbours of Atlantian Oceania!
| CODE | .:: Opening... Tiberius Starblayde Public Email Account... ::.
Downloading Messages, 1 of 2437...
...
...
2437/2437 Complete
> INBOX
> VIAGRAZANAXVALIUM at low low prices! <delete>
> INVEST in Lamonian Corporations <delete>
> We understand low priced stocks <delete>
> Watch This Emerging Growth Stock <delete>
> Cheap Turorian WebCam Sluts <delete>
> Want a Bigger Girth? <delete>
> Greetings, neighbours of Atlantian Oceania! <delete>
> Greetings, neighbours of Atlantian Oceania! <delete>
> Greetings, neighbours of Atlantian Oceania! <i said delete!>
> Crazy Druidan Mobile Ringtones! <-delete>
> Delete All
Are you sure?
> OK
Deleting...
2427/2427 Deleted
> INBOX
No Messages
> QUIT |
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A strange letter had come to the desk of President Stone. Normally, he didn't get snail mail, as he really didn't have time to read it. Seeing that this one came from a foreign government, someone had dropped it on his desk.
| CODE | Greetings, neighbours of Atlantian Oceania!
We, the government of Spruitland, in name of His Majesty, King Alfons I, and all his loyal citizens, wish to profusely apologize for the unfortunate timing of our introductionary broadcast. Rest assured, we will use less intrusive methods of communication from now on.
As an act of good faith, one ApologyAccepted-coupon has been enclosed in the snail mail version of this communiqué. This coupon can be redeemed for a 50% discount on the purchase of 1 kilogram of Brussels Sprouts in every department store or at every vegetable stand in Spruitland. We encourage everyone to make full use of this generous offer whenever you’re in our neck of the woods.
Sincerely,
Jeremy Dekkers
Prime Minister
Spruitland |
'Why do these bloody mother-explicitive removed-ers think that a coupon is going to make anyone like them? They cut into the AOCAF, for crying out loud!,' President Stone thought to himself. Seeing that the President was angry, everyone else in the Presidential Palace left him alone for a while to let him cool off.
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Lamoni |
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Democratic Maniac |
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Posts: 1952 |
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We're not currently competing in this AOCAF, so we weren't bothered by your initial message other than the fact that it interrupted baywatch. Welcome to the region! |
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Theo yawned as he arrived at work for what was bound to be another boring day. Being an editor at Spruit TV wasn’t exactly his dream job. They were way too conservative around here for his taste. All that fancy mood-lighting, stylish-frames, slow-and-controlled-camera-movement stuff wasn’t Theo’s cup of tea. He wanted fast-paced freestyle rock’n’roll action – three cuts per second, tops, like on the Spruitland Music Channel! But SMC wasn’t hiring, so he had to settle for a job at the boring government-funded national tv station. Bah!
“Theo!”
With a sigh Theo shuffled into the post-production supervisor’s office. Time to find out what kind of crap they had in store for him today.
“Ah, there you are, ‘bout time,” the supervisor grunted from behind his desk. He was scribbling something on a notepad - which was his standard way of giving people the impression he was hard at work - and then pointed at a couple of boxes in the corner.
“Your next assignment.”
Theo’s heart made a small leap of joy when he saw the amount of tapes. There were at least 40 of them, probably more. That could only mean one thing: it was the material for an episode of “Fire fighting is fun”, the station’s hit action series! They used eight cameras simultaneously for the fire sequences, so that had to be it! For the first time since he started working at STV, Theo felt excited about his job.
“Rush job, I’m afraid,” the supervisor said. “Has to be done by tonight.”
“By tonight?! But sir, that’s ridiculous! Fire fighting normally gets a whole week of editing, you can’t expect – “
“Who said anything about Fire fighting? Those tapes are from the government’s PR-bureau. Some of the ministers made official statements to send to the governments of the other nations in the region, and they got carried away a bit. They want us to cut it down to a reasonable length.”
Theo sighed audibly. Two more months, not a day longer. Then he’d have worked long enough to be eligible for full unemployment pay.
“Oh cheer up, it’s not that bad.” The supervisor almost sounded like he believed it himself. “Just make a quick compilation, nothing too fancy. Cut out anything but the most important highlights.”
The Spruitland Government Diplomatic Address
(edited by Theodore Van Gogh)
“Greetings, great nations of Atlantian Oceania! I’m Prime Minister Jeremy Dekkers,” <snip> “and now, some of the Heads of our various governmental departments would like to say a few words as well.”
<snip>
“Greetings, I’m Hans Custers, Spruitland’s Minister of External Affairs,” <snip> “- plenty of room for foreign embassies in Ambassador Valley, New Brux, with -”
<snip>
“I’m Thomas Vanderbeek, Minister of Defense, and –“ <snip> “- and then I’m sure we’ll get along just fine.”
<snip>
“Hiya folks! I’m Suzanne! Suzanne Peeters, Minister of Import and Export.” <snip> “We’ve gots, like, the best farmers in the country. And great narcotics stuff and stuff.” <snip> “So if you need anything, just lemme know!”
<snip>
“Hello, as Minister of Sports I look forward to –“ <snip> “- will kick your ass!”
Fade out.
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“ – and therefore I strongly urge my esteemed colleagues to vote in favor of this proposal,” the Minister of Hygiene Related Stuff said, with a little open-handed slap on the table to emphasize the “in favor”.
“Right then,” Prime Minister Jeremy Dekkers nodded, pressing the button to call for a vote. The 87 members of the Spruitland cabinet received a moderately powerful, momentary electrical shock and jolted upwards with a gasp. Within seconds, 86 of them had pressed either the blue or red button on the table in front of them, and went back to sleep. The Minister of Power and Energy was the only one who didn’t wake up, nothing but a litte purr of pleasure confirming that his chair zapper wasn’t malfunctioning.
“With 45 votes against, 41 in favor, and one abstain, the Spruitland government has denied the motion to make double layored toilet paper mandatory. Obviously,” the Prime Minister gave the Minister of Hygiene Related Stuff a stern look, “this government does not approve of proposals that deny the citizens their civil right to use whatever they want to wipe their behinds.”
The Minister of Hygiene Related Stuff sulkingly looked at his fingernails, and Prime Minister Dekkers flipped a page to move on to the next item on the agenda.
“Item number 352,” he boomed, pressing the individual buttons of chairs 3, 11, 17 and 28 to give the related Ministers a slightly more severe shock. They woke up and grumpily rubbed their eyes.
“Concerning Foreign Embassies. Hans! Status report!”
Minister of External Affairs Hans Custers straightened his back, blinked one more time, then addressed his colleagues as if he had been preparing for this moment for hours.
“The Diplomatic Mansions in Ambassador Valley are 90% complete. The northern section needs some minor finishing touches, such as running water, but –“
“I don’t care about that!” the Prime Minister interrupted, an annoyed look on his face. “I’m sure you have it all under control, Hans,” he smoothed when he saw Custers’ disappointment. “What I want to know is how many Embassy Exchange thingies have been arranged, so far.”
“Yes. Well, see. So far, erm – “ Custers leafed through his papers for a few seconds. “None, I’m afraid.”
“None!? But how is that possible? Did you not include it on your Diplomatic Address Tape?!”
“Of course, Sir. I made quite a case for it as well, if I may say –“
“And you pointed out all the perks and benefits?”
“In detail, Sir. The food coupons, free magazine subscriptions, membership cards to –“
“That’s horrible! This could have tremendous economic implications! Do you realize how many brothels have opened a branch in Ambassador Valley? They’re relying on us, Hans!”
“I realize that, Sir. But I can’t exactly force anyone to send over an Ambassador.”
“Sure you can,” the Minister of Defense said, and all eyes turned to him. “we could hint about our nuclear capabilities.”
“What nuclear capabilities?” the Minister of External Affairs paled.
“Oh my gosh, we have nukes?!” Suzanne Peeters, Minister of Import and Export shrieked.
“Well, no we don’t. But if we drop a few hints left and right, indicate that we have a few goodies stashed away, we’ll have Ambassadors from all over the region flocking to us. Of course they’ll all be spies, trying to figure out where we store our bombs, but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?”
The Prime Minister considered it for a moment, but then shook his head.
“Too risky, Thomas. Look at those loudmouths from Latao! They went shopping for nukes, and before they could as much as fart, there were bombers heading their way, cutting off all their lines of communication. Nobody’s heard from them since, who knows what horrible things went on there.”
The Minister of Defense wanted to reply, but the Prime Minister held up his hand.
“Yes, Thomas, I’m well aware that with our superb diplomatic skills it shouldn’t come to that. But let’s not go down that road just yet. At least not before our application for a piece of land has been approved. I have another idea. Hans!” He turned to the Minister of External Affairs. “What about taking a slightly more pro-active stance? Some of these countries have open offers for Embassy Exchange Programs and what not. If we send out a few Ambassadors of our own, maybe those countries will send someone to Spruitland as well.”
“I don’t like it, Sir,” Custers sighed. “I’m swamped as it is, if you’re gonna add menial jobs like this to my agenda, nothing will ever get done.”
“Oh, get off it, Hans, I’m sure you can get by with a few less hours of sleep. See to it. In the mean time, I’ll send out another Diplomatic Triple-Email. Discussion closed.”
He pressed the vote button. Ministers jolted up, buttons were slammed, snoring resumed swiftly.
“Well, that didn’t really need a vote, actually. But 53 in favor nonetheless. Glad our government consists of sensible people. Right then, item number 353, advertising on the bottom of beer mugs…”
| QUOTE |
Greetings, Ambassadors of Atlantian Oceania!
Are you tired of the heat in Vilita? Are you concerned about unidentified flying objects in the sky over Druida? Afraid you’ll find an early demise in Latao?
Then look no further! Appeal to your government now and request relocation to Spruitland! We’re jolly, likeable folks and our highly efficient government will be a pleasure to work with. Move to the sproutiest nation in the region!
Jeremy Dekkers
Prime Minister, Spruitland
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Maximilian Borada sat at his desk and let out a long sigh after a severe telling off from his wife. He needed a rest and particularly he needed a drink. But there was to be no respite this evening as his door opened and Tobias Kresco, a junior diplomat, ran in.
“Boss you have to send me to Spruitland they have diplomatic mansions. Not embassies, MANSIONS!” The words came out in a rush.
“I’m really not in the mood for this right now.”
“But mansions! And look at this, brothels too! Oh you have to let me go. Pleeeeease.”
“Get out of my office.”
“If you don’t let me go I’m going to do this.” He started humming. One long continuous hum.
“Oh don’t be so childish. Stop it. I said stop it. Well you SHUT UP! Yes, god yes just please shut up. You can go. Pack you bags. Just leave.”
“Thank you. You won’t regret this chief.”
“What have I done? We’ll be at war within five minutes of his arrival.” Borada said to the now empty space in front of him.
| CODE | Jeremy Dekkers
Prime Minister
Spruitland
Mr Prime Minister,
After a thorough search of our diplomatic corps I feel I have found the man to establish diplomatic ties with your fine nation. His name is Tobias Kresco and he is ready and willing to become The Most Serene Republic’s ambassador in Spruitland. Naturally I am certain we could find room for a Spruitland embassy in our capital, Hypocrium.
As a football fan, Prime Minister, I would like to congratulate the Bunnies on their good start to the U21 World Cup. I have noted that our nations seem to be running in parallel on the international football stage (both competing in second U21 Cup, joint 11th seeds etc) we are surely destined to meet in the near future.
I look forward to hearing from you in the future and of Kresco gives you any trouble feel free to have him shot, or send him back it’s all good.
Maximilian Borada
Director
Department of Foreign Affairs |
This post has been edited by Hypocria on May 17 2005, 05:21 PM |
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| QUOTE | To: Maximilian Borada
Director, Department of Foreign Affairs
Hypocria
From: Hans Custers
Minister of External Affairs,
Spruitland
Greetings, Mr. Borada
The Prime Minister and myself would like to thank you for your kind words in regards to our Under-21 football team, and in turn we wish the Hyppos best of luck in their game against South Osettia. Our teams are, indeed, destined to meet at some point – perhaps quite soon already, as both our senior squads are registered to participate in the upcoming Baptism of Fire cup. To quote our Minister of Sports: “Good, we don’t mind an easy win.”
Mr. Kresco is more than welcome in our country, and will be expected at New Brux International Airport, where something-vaguely-resembling-a-limousine will transport him to his new residence. The address will be:
Diplomatic Mansion #11
Ambassador Valley
New Brux, Spruitland
Note how we assigned Mr. Kresco to Mansion 11, referring to the joint rank of our nation’s Under-21 teams. We’re fond of obscure and useless little references like that.
Mr. Kresco may bring any staff he desires. Not including the Ambassador’s private wing, our Diplomatic Mansions have a standard of 50 luxurious bedrooms. Additional living accomodations are provided in a separate building on the premises, a neo-Stable-Converted-to-Barracks design containing 192 beds divided over 4 sleeping halls. Kitchen and showers are communal, but I’m sure Mr. Kresco’s less important staff members will have no complaints.
As for our own Ambassador to Hypocria, we have selected Mr. Rudolf Finto, a former football scout for New Brux FC who has recently joined the Diplomatic Corps. He will bring a dozen staff members and an extra 10 security guards, which should be plenty for a sizeable influx of turnover for the local businesses in the immediate area of the Embassy. Would this Embassy, by any chance, be in the vicinity of the training grounds of your national football team?
Looking forward to a smooth diplomatic relationship between our nations,
Hans Custers
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| CODE | From: Hans Custers
Minister of External Affairs,
Spruitland
Minister,
I look forward to welcoming ambassador Finto in person. We had reserved 9 Embassy Plaza to be the site of your embassy in Hypocria but I now feel that number 11 will be more suitable. There is plenty of room within the building to house the ambassador and his staff. Unfortunately the Plaza is roughly in the centre of the city, next to the Republican Palace, whereas the national team trains in a facility on the outskirts of the city, and they are constantly guarded (or they will be now).
I thank you for your words of encouragement for the Hyppos as they met fellow Atlantians South Osettia. Between you and me Minister I am quietly confident of Hypocria making it to the quarter finals and with both our nations in the top half of the draw, and the Bunnies’ good form, perhaps we will meet a lot sooner than the BoF.
Maximilian Borada
Director
Department of Foreign Affairs |
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